A Chat with ‘Ahmed – The Terrorist Recruiter’

Since my work contract is coming to an end, I have already started looking for jobs. I recently came across an organisation that trains target-killers, murderers and suicide bombers. Don’t judge me just yet. I have my reasons. One, I am desperate to find a job because I have got debt to pay. Two, me holding an AK-47 could be my all-time popular Facebook DP. I’m not even going to mention what a girl holding a pistol on her Tinder profile can do for her. OMG! I did not just say that. Fine, go ahead and judge me now!

Anyway, getting back to the point! I asked Mr Ahmed from HR department to arrange a Skype interview so we can discuss some of my concerns before I apply for a specific position. For some odd reason, the call didn’t go through and we agreed to discuss the details over chat. It went something like this:


Ahmed: Good morning Bushra. How may I help you?

Bushra: Good morning Ahmed. I have a couple of questions to ask. Your organisation promises adventure but we might have a conflict of interest. You see, I believe that everyone should be given a right to find their own path to God while your organisation believes in something different.

Ahmed: Dear Bushra! You will be glad to know that we have found the path to God and our organisation is dedicated to find the ones who are clearly lost and wipe them off this world. Actually, the God we have found has asked us to force others to believe in Him and if they go astray, they do not have the right to live.

Bushra: Well, why does that matter? I mean if your God is the one true God, why does He need people to believe in Him? His existence should not depend on whether someone believes in Him or not.

Ahmed: I will be straight with you. There is no room for such lame questions in our organisation. If you continue this way, I keeell you!

(My thoughts: Did he just say I Keeelll You! Am I talking to Achmed the terrorist?) … Wait. What? Never heard of him? STOP READING AND GOOGLE HIM RIGHT NOW!

achmed-achmed-32465899-600-849

Bushra: I am sorry. Let’s focus on something more concrete. Your organisation is based on certain Books. Perhaps, you can help me understand how it is possible for everyone to get the same message from these Books and how can we tell who got it right. I mean, it’s all a matter of interpretation. No two people can interpret something in the exact same way.

Ahmed: Laymen do not fully understand the messages conveyed in these sources. We have scholars who dedicate their lives to studying these scriptures. We know better and what we take from these Books is what people must implement in their lives. There is no questioning on that. Are you even interested in working for us?

Bushra: Oh God. I am getting carried away. Don’t take me wrong. I am genuinely interested in joining your organisation.

Ahmed: Okay. Have you committed any sins? Do you feel guilty for some of your actions? Because in that case, you have come to the perfect place! If you kill infidels or die in the name of God, you will go straight to heaven, no questions asked.

Bushra: OMG! Are you serious? Can I take some time before I sign up? TBH I have a huge crush on this guy from work and he is taking me to a concert this Saturday. I have a feeling things are going to go really well. I mean, Romeo Santos is going to be singing man, even robots fall in love when he sings. You are going to give me a free pass to heaven so who cares about what happens on the weekend.

Ahmed: Do you have any other questions?

Bushra: Oh! Yes. I also wanted to know a little more about the vision and mission of your organisation. Is the ultimate goal to convert all the nonbelievers into believers so the entire world would believe in the same God and practice the same religion in the exact same manner?

Ahmed: Yes!

Bushra: Then why didn’t God make the world like that in the first place? OR… why couldn’t the Holy Prophet (PBUH) do that in his lifetime? He fought so many battles but was never able to conquer the entire world.

Ahmed: We are carrying on his legacy and finishing his mission.

Bushra: Wasn’t he (PBUH) the best of the best? The perfect human? How can you achieve something that a perfect human could never achieve? And if you do manage to achieve it, what would that make you in the eyes of God… better than the Perfect Human?

Ahmed: Listen! Our religion is the only true religion. Our God is the only true God. If someone tries to mess with that or question our beliefs, he will have to bear the consequences.

Bushra: What if you die and find out you had it all wrong? What if your Prophet only wanted you to live in peace and let others live in peace? What if you find out what you thought you understood from the Book was actually the opposite of what God was trying to tell you? What if you find out that all this time you were a self-proclaimed soldier and protector of the religion that you never completely followed?

Ahmed: We know we are going to heaven for fighting in the name of God! Stop questioning my beliefs. You sound just like the infidels. Either you are with us or you are with them. You need to decide where you stand!

Bushra: Damn. We have a big difference of opinion here. You see, I believe in letting people critically analyse everything that they come across. I also feel like there is only one Divine Force that is beyond our comprehension. We all have spent centuries trying to figure Him out but we have terribly failed.

See, I am not going to live forever. I would rather spend my life seeing the world and meeting people from different cultures and backgrounds. That’s the beauty of life. Plus, it all seems like a dream sometimes and who knows… it might just be. We have absolutely no idea what lies ahead of us. Believing or not believing in something will not change the reality.

Hey! I have got an idea. I can totally work as a therapist in your organisation. I am sure there are tons of people suffering through PTSD and I strongly believe I can help them look for a reason to enjoy life again.

Bushra: Are you there?

Ahmed: (appears offline)

This article was first published at Dunya Blogs

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